non-sexual needs addressed with sex

• most of us have emotional needs that we try to address with sex (besides pleasure and closeness), but sex is not the best way to satisfy them … a lot of our behavior around sex is designed to address these other needs:
  • reassurance that we’re sexually desirable
  • reassurance that we’re sexually competent
  • validation of our masculinity or femininity
  • a sense that we’re normal
  • relief from performance anxiety
• our strategies usually aren’t successful, but we use them anyway … we’re putting a lot of pressure on sex to address these essentially non-sexual needs … for some people those are the real payoffs of sex …, sure, pleasure and closeness are great, but they can’t compete with feeling whole, feeling real, feeling normal
• insecurity, existential challenges, relationship problems, and misunderstandings about the nature of intimacy. Problems like these won’t be fixed by curing their sexual symptoms … need to help people have better enjoyment rather than better functioning
• real difficulties: perfectionism and resulting alienation from bodies, unrealistic expectations, small-minded vision of sexuality, performance anxiety
• intercourse itself—activities valued by some people more for what they represent than for the amount of pleasure they actually offer.

linked mentions for "non-sexual needs addressed with sex":

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