non-sexual needs addressed with sex

• most of us have emotional needs that we try to address with sex (besides pleasure and closeness), but sex is not the best way to satisfy them ... a lot of our behavior around sex is designed to address these other needs:
  • reassurance that we’re sexually desirable
  • reassurance that we’re sexually competent
  • validation of our masculinity or femininity
  • a sense that we’re normal
  • relief from performance anxiety
• our strategies usually aren’t successful, but we use them anyway ... we’re putting a lot of pressure on sex to address these essentially non-sexual needs ... for some people those are the real payoffs of sex ..., sure, pleasure and closeness are great, but they can’t compete with feeling whole, feeling real, feeling normal
• insecurity, existential challenges, relationship problems, and misunderstandings about the nature of intimacy. Problems like these won’t be fixed by curing their sexual symptoms ... need to help people have better enjoyment rather than better functioning
• real difficulties: perfectionism and resulting alienation from bodies, unrealistic expectations, small-minded vision of sexuality, performance anxiety
• intercourse itself—activities valued by some people more for what they represent than for the amount of pleasure they actually offer.